I started this Journal seven years ago, when I felt like my life was at a weird point, I wasn't really happy and I didn't know where I was going. It seems appropriate that it end here when my life has undergone such huge changes. Still, I feel like I owe this non-existent space that is read by no one some closure. I don't know why, but I do.
Kristen turned out to be a sociopath. I don't really know how else to explain it. She tortured me because she could, didn't mean any of her promises. The things she said to me about James (her boyfriend, now fiancee--they got engaged on their one year anniversary in April) turned out to be largely untrue. The things she said about me to him (and who knows who else) were breathtakingly false.
How do you cope when you find out that the woman you dedicated your life to is so incredibly evil?
All I can say is that I'm lucky that I had Shanna--my new girlfriend--in my life when this all happened. I don't think I would have survived it, otherwise.
My life is so different than it was six months ago. Aside from being situationally unhappy (which happens whenever thoughts of my soon-to-be-ex-wife crop up), I'm happier than I ever have been. I have a wonderful woman, a little girl who will be my daughter some day, in-laws who really, truly like me (not to say there wasn't someone in Kristen's family that meant a lot to me... I'll miss you, Loretta), and my family is in love with Sha.
The divorce papers went in on Friday. The divorce should be final in early July. Then I can put this whole evil, ugly chapter of my life--which has spanned a third of it--behind me.
The worst part? Even after all the bad she has done to me, I'll still miss her. How could I not? She was never just my wife. She was always so much more. And now she's gone forever. I'll never hold her in my arms again. I'll never kiss her. Never make love to her. Never even speak to her again. And I'll never know why.
This is John M. Kupski, aka Zak3056, signing off of Yet Another Blog.
I tried. I really, really tried. But I can't do it anymore.
Kristen's idea of fixing our relationship is to spend as little time as possible with me, it seems. It just hurts. I don't want anymore pain... I just want to be happy.
Life sucks right now. Kristen sending mixed signals. I can't be her friend, can't even be around her because it hurts so much. I told her on Friday that she either had to come home or I had to get out of her life, because it was killing me. She chose him. Again. She whimpered out his name when I said "him or me" and then insisted that I stay around and talk some more. Doesn't accept that it HURTS!
I don't have any comfort zones--Kristen keeps kicking me out of them when I find one. I'm not allowed to stay in one and heal, because whatever I find in that comfort zone is not enough for HER. I'm not even allowed to have her out of my life. Friday night was... bad. Amazingly bad. She came over to the house, after I asked (TOLD) her not to and basically bullied me into staying her friend. I had a... I don't even know what to call it. The result was friends of mine ordering me to leave the house and come to theirs so I could try to find some peace.
I still told her I need her OUT OF MY LIFE AT LEAST FOR NOW so I can heal, but she just won't stop texting me. Eight hours after I made that request she asked me if I would come over and fix her router... WTF??? She has the flu right now, he won't care for her, and she wants sympathy and comfort from me. It's like I'm supposed to fill the emotional voids that HE can't fill for her. I get nothing out of this except pain, and she still keeps insisting. It HURTS!
I hate living like this. I can't go back--Kristen doesn't seem to want to. I can't move on--Kristen won't let me. I can't heal. I can't think. I can't focus. I can't stay still. I have panic attacks. I can't bear to be in one place for too long. I can't do anything except feel pain. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that I can walk out of this, but it isn't working.
Kristen and I have danced around for the last few weeks... one of us wanted the other back, but the other was never in the same emotional place at the same time. We did this at least half a dozen times. It was a very confusing time, and I can't do it anymore. I resolved that this is over, and I have to move on with life no matter how much it hurts or how much I wish it could be different.
She's still living with him. She loves him, but he doesn't want her. I can understand that pretty damn well, because I have been in the same place--loving her, but her not wanting me.
She will be moving her stuff out--or at least into one room of the house so I can seal it off and pretend it isn't there--by Friday. Everything else will be fair game when I start cleaning, and some friends of mine are going to help. I'm embarrassed to have people in the house, but I have to make this a healthy place to live, or it's going to kill me. My best friend's wife (who is a friend in her own right) told me I have been living in a graveyard long enough, and she's right.
I'm still afraid, though. The idea of this being over, completely over, scares me. I think I made it clear to her that it is, that I can't do this anymore, that no matter how much I might still WANT her, it's not what she wants, and not what I need, so it can't happen. Right now, I'm feeling pretty level, and I hope I can abide by this decision. Some days, it's hard to not just tell her to come home.
I've been talking to a friend of hers, who is also a friend of mine. She's a really nice girl, and part of me is really hoping that we can be more than friends. It's too soon to ask her out--I want to make sure my head is on straight before I do, because I don't want to end up hurting her, or hurting me. I know rebounding and transference are huge potential problems right now, and I want to make sure that won't happen, for two reasons: it wouldn't be fair to her, and it would cheapen what I have felt for Kristen if I can just take it wholesale and give it to someone else.
IF anything happens, I want it to be real. I'm pretty sure it can with this woman... I don't know if she's interested in me that way, but I'd really like to find out. It's rare to "find" someone that you have known for a long time, is smart, sweet, a good person, good looking, and has already met your family, and is well liked by them.
Kristen is dead set against this. I kind of understand why--they've been friends a long time, even if they haven't been recently--and I don't want to hurt Kristen (as weird as that sounds... Kristen destroyed me, but I still care), but I WANT to do this. I want to see if there is anything possible here. I expect an invitation to dinner to be politely declined, but I'm going to wait a few weeks and offer one and see what happens.
I was wrong when I said the day she moved out was the worst day of my life. This week beats that by a large margin.
I found out she was cheating on me. Again. She had been having a relationship since August. Apparently, this person she is (was) with is a real piece of work. He beat her. He cheated on her. In order for him to... perform, he had to abuse her before and during sex.
She called me up Monday morning at 3am in tears to tell me all of this. And to get my advice on how to keep him, since he was about to leave her. It was the strangest conversation of my life. We talked later. I told her that before she "tried to talk to him" she had to resolve us. I was told that she needed to pursue this other relationship because he loved him, and so much "invested" in it.
She told me that, in the event things didn't work out there, she wanted to "work on us." When I pointed out I wasn't particularly interested in being her plan B, she refused to agree that this was what she was doing.
Thirteen years. Thirteen years, and she is "invested" in someone she has been cheating on me with for five months, who beats her and cheats on her. But, you know, if that doesn't work out, we can work on us. My marriage, for me, ended in the moment she said that.
So here I am. I go home to Tennessee on Friday, and we'll "talk" then. I'm going to tell her we can still be friends, that I'll always be there for her, but that we're finished. I don't want her to come back. I want a divorce.
She'll want another chance. I have a huge character flaw: I can't knowingly hurt someone I love. Normally, I'd see that as an asset, but in this case it just allows her to manipulate me. The best I'll give her is this: if friends works, we'll see if there is more. We can date. See if anything is there. But it won't be exclusive. Twice, now, Kristen has gotten to see what else life offers. I'm going to do that now, too.
Sad, but true, I can't bear the thought of giving up. It's even worse than living in the pain I'm in. All I did by freaking out was drive my wife further away... again. Go me.
Kristen doesn't want what I want. Everyday, I feel a little worse instead of better. Everyday, I wonder why I keep torturing myself. Everyday, I feel a little more like just giving up and letting go.
Life is a mess right now. I couldn't tell you, for the life of me, what the hell is going on... I honestly don't know.
Made it through Christmas, so I've got that going for me. Visited the Gym last night for the first time in a couple of years... did an hour of cardio, kept my heart rate about 140 for more than half an hour. Diet alone has dropped almost 30lbs off of my weight in the last two and a half weeks. Unfortunately, that's all weight I gained in the last year.
Kristen keeps starting conversations, gets to some critical point, then runs away "BRB," in text or "call you back in a minute" ends up lasting hours, if not longer, and the conversation never restarts. Had about three of those so far.
She keeps saying she wants to spend time with me. As soon as I respond and say I want to spend time with her, too, she runs away again and it doesn't happen.
I tried to kiss her on Christmas (we had dinner together). Not the best idea, but I wasn't really thinking, just feeling. Found out today what she is feeling and why affection is so hard. The reason hurt, a lot. Having my wife tell me that she really, really, loves me, but as family, and not romantically is probably the most painful thing I've ever heard in my life. "I hate you and never want to see you again" would have hurt less.
At this point, I'm afraid there is no hope for our marriage, and that every time we talk, it's just more pain without purpose.
I've always been a tactile person. Most of my emotions come from the physical--it's easier to understand, somehow. Right now, I need someone to hold, and to hold me, and tell me everything is going to be ok.
Begging really fucked things up, I think. She's not talking to me anymore--or at least not answering my phone calls and text.
I manned up--for certain values of "manning up." I sent her a text saying that I wasn't going to call, or text, until she called me. I hope this gives her the space she needs.
We have a date scheduled on Saturday. I'm hoping she still shows up after all the drama.
I haven't been very adult about this... just pain, pain, pain and panic, panic, panic. I don't promise I'm done with that, but it's time to realize that I am only making things worse.
I love you, Kristen. I will be the man you need me to be.
I begged her to stay today. Begged. All pride forgotten, I (metaphorically--we were on the phone) got down on my knees, and pleaded with my wife to find some other way than her living on her own.
She refused. She still claims she is coming back. She told me to give her "a few months." Until April.
My heart is on the floor. I was so alone last night. I will be alone for at least that long. I feel broken. I feel empty. I feel angry (at myself) and ashamed. I feel lost. I want to be anywhere other than where I am at any given moment. I want to be "away," though, course, there is no away. I wish I could go crazy, leave something behind in my place to run things until the real "me" sorted out what was going on and had a chance to heal.
It's too sudden. It's been building for a while, but the final cut is too sudden. I can't cope.
My mother in law gave me the "for every door that closes" speech. I don't want a window. I want my wife.
I joined facebook. Kristen chased me forever to do so, but for some reason I didn't. When I saw the southpark episode, I TOTALLY identified with Stan. I didn't want it to "take over my life." Of course, I was too damn stupid to realize that I didn't actually have a life, and maybe this would have been a good step toward getting one.
I'm not a good friend. I don't talk to the people I love. For the life of me, I can't tell you why not--it just.. happened. And it become my reality. And I never changed it. And I am starting my sentences with conjunctions paying for it as a result.
All through the weekend, my wife kept telling me that she loves me. That she is committed to there being an us, BECAUSE she loves me, after 13 years she would be LONG GONE if she didn't love me. I cling to that. She is moving out this week to find herself. I hope when she does, there is still room for me. She says she WANTS to come back, EXPECTS to come back, PLANS to come back. I cling to that. She slept in our bed with me last night, and we held each other. It was tender, and intimate, and is everything that our relationship has not been. I cling to that. She won't tell me when, exactly, she's moving, or want me to be there, because she knows it will devastate me. She loves me enough to spare me that. I cling to that.
The little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that people change, that as my wife grows--and she WILL grow from this--there will be no room for someone like me in that happy life. I tell that little voice to shut the fuck up and stop trying to spoil the only hope we've got. Today, it started to listen.[1]
Most people would say they want to go back in time to before this all happened, to make it right. For me, that would be years. I realize how greedy "years" are. I'd settle for three days, just to be in front of this tidal wave that threatens to drown me.
I told my boss today that I was going through some personal problems, and that my work over the next few months might suffer as a result. I didn't go into details, but he had a pretty good idea of what I was talking about, if not the specifics. He's a good man, and offered whatever help he could provide, and didn't try to offer any advice. He also said he knew me well enough that my "suffering" job performance would still be above average.
Kristen isn't coming home tonight, she's sleeping at her friend's house. My mother in law is still here, but will not be for much longer. Once that happens, the house--no longer a home--will be silent, except for the noises the pets make. It will be cold, and empty, devoid of spirit. This is my penance. I would do almost anything to not have to bear it, but I will bear it--it's the just price of my sins.[2]
My mother is having a spinal fusion in the morning.
That's my day. I've written more in here in the last 72 hours than the last 72 days. It's a good outlet--no one reads this fucking journal except me, anyway.
[1] I don't really hear a voice, it's a metaphor. I'm pretty fucked up, but not fucked up enough to hear voices.
[2] I'm not religious--my sins are not against some almighty being, but against myself, and the one I hold most dear.
We had some long talks this weekend. They hurt, badly. But I'm really starting to believe that it isn't over, that this really is temporary. I keep hoping so. Hope is what I have, and is all I can do.
I am not the best husband in the world by a large margin. I need to change that while my wife finds what she needs to find. If it means she comes back, I can live with this.
Lunch: Banana, blueberry yogurt, apple. Raisins for snack later.
Yesterday was actually worse. Today was... a little better, I guess. At least I have something to hope for. At least, I hope I do. Life is funny how it changes on you. Sometimes it changes, and you don't even know it until later.
So today is our annual contume contest here at work, and one of our engineers is dressed up as a certain comic book villain. Seeing him paging through drawings, I couldn't help but snap the following pic and caption it appropriately. This occasion also marks the only appropriate use of the Comic Sans font in human history.
A few weeks ago, my rather elderly (Athlon 2500+) desktop PC went bye-bye, in a rather big way--there's still an evil black stain on my wall that was once the guts of its power supply. Worse, the dying PS took the motherboard with it (ouch...)
I finally got around to replacing it... with a core i7-920 based machine. All I can say is, given my typical usage pattern, this is a serious case of overkill... but at least I won't have to worry about replacing it for another six years. :)
I voted, and for neither McCain nor Obama. I disagree with McCain on way too many issues to ever be able to vote for him with a clear conscience. As for Obama, words cannot express how low my opinion of that man is.
That said, it appears almost certain that he will be our next president.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried... my "best case scenario" for the near future looks like the Jimmy Carter years all over again. I'd love to be wrong about that--politics is not personal to me (though the results of it might very well be) and if the next four years are Pax Americana, I'll be pretty happy about it--but I'm expecting to be right.
So, within the next two days or so the Supreme Court is probably going to speak up on the 2nd amendment for the first time in a very long time. It will be interesting to see the outcome--I m personally expecting something like 6-3, or even 7-2 in favor of the "individual right" position, but I think it will be attached to a ruling that is so narrow as to be virtually meaningless outside of DC.
Still, it'll be a start, and the foundation for further legal challenges to federal infringement of the 2nd amendment for years to come. Then, maybe, we can get on to other important issues like the brutal raping the 1st, 4th, 5th and 6th amendments have taken over the last couple of decades.
Not like anybody is actually reading this, but apparently I was too dumb to hide the couple hundred lines of text from the previous post inside an lj-cut. It's fixed now.
In other news, my wife is apparently addicted to mango sorbet. This pays dividends for me because the stuff she likes only comes in a two-pack with a pomegranate-berry sorbet that she does NOT like. Earth shattering news, I know, but the subtitle of this blog IS "polluting the web," after all, and I don't think I've been doing my fair share of it.
Maybe that should be the goal I shoot for, to encourage myself to blog more: turning the web into the electronic equivalent of a super-fund site. Hey, a man can dream, can't he?
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